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[14 Jul 2008|01:08pm] |
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i'm so in love.
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[05 Jul 2008|11:10pm] |
face wash
comb
toothbrush
razor
camera charger
phone charger
ipod charger
yellow dress
blue dress
white dress
flower dress
white tank top
underwear
bras
white skirt
blue tank top
white ring
white shirt
jeans
shorts
scarf
purple flats
cream heels
random shirts
pj's
new pink tank tops
blow dryer
hair straightener
hair ties
bobby pins
...off to vermont i go.
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| You and me, and x-ray machines, I swear that day you saw straight through me. |
[10 May 2008|12:50pm] |
It's been a while. Things have changed completely.
I'm getting excited about life. My anxiety hasn't been that bad until this week. I'm stressing over AP exams, school, my family, money, boys of the past, boys of the present, friends. The list could go on and on.
We had an award ceremony at school. I got the service award and all star ap environmental science award. I also got recognized for my scholarships. So far I have 30,500 dollars in scholarships. I'm still freaking out it won't be enough.
I've been going to therapy. I think it's been helping. I've discovered that I create chaos because that's what is normal to me now. Damn parents. I'm going to be learning different techniques to deal with my anxiety.
Work has been going well. I got a raise finally. I'm nervous about this summer. I'm not working at the summer school. Patty and Ali are both trying to help me get a second job. I haven't heard anything about it yet.
I had my senior prom a few nights ago. It was so much fun. I went with all my new friends. I got ready with the girls at Trisha's it was like old times. I loved it. The gang took pictures and rode around in the limo. We got free food at Sky Bar. It was nice. We danced all night and chilled out to The Beatles at the end of the night. Emma, Trisha, Ben, and I crashed at Trisha's. I'm still not over how crazy it is that we're all leaving soon. It still makes my heart sink.
I got dinner last night with Samantha and Shelby. It was so cute. I absolutely adore those girls. I adore everyone in my life.
Tucker and I are done for good. It's still a little weird seeing him. I'm so used to kissing him goodbye and having his hand on my knee while he drives. I put those thoughts in the back of my head and enjoy our time as friends. I owe a lot to him. If it wasn't for him, I'd be a mess.
I did meet someone. He comes into Ben and Jerry's a lot looking for Americone Dream. I texted him after I got his number (completely work related). I figured what do I have to lose anymore other than a little dignity. I'm so happy I did. He's become my best friend. He knows more about me than I do. It's an amazing feeling to have someone so connected with you. There's no pressure. He understands the way I think and how I can't rush anything right now with anyone. We stayed up texting until 2 in the morning. He's a total pink floyd pajama wearing, beatles loving, jewish hippie. I love it. He's passionate about his religion. He's probably not the best guy for me, but we work. I don't know what to think anymore though. I just wish I knew what was going on.
Life wouldn't be fun that way I suppose.
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| and we'll never miss a party because we keep them going constantly |
[08 Mar 2008|07:15pm] |
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it's ridiculous how these past few years have gone by.
all the friends that have come and gone, all the parties, all the boys, all the tears, all the smiles.
it blows my mind.
i don't know if i should cry because i'm leaving or smile. i think i take this place and the people in my life for granted far too much.
i think i take myself for granted. i've grown so much over the past few years. i've conquered it all. why do i still let people treat me like i'm 12 and only capable of being walked all over? i'm a great girl, and if you can't see that, then, it really is your loss.
there are certain parts of my personality that i love. i believe they make me the person i am. i think i need to change them though if i'm ever going to make it.
i don't know how i feel anymore about anything. this is the most confused i've been about life ever. i thought i would come to some sort of understanding after everything, but they were right. it keeps getting harder.
and nothing you, you say can or will penetrate these walls that i create.
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[29 Dec 2007|02:07pm] |
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he's back in life. you may not approve, but i don't care.
i'm happy.
christmas was amazing this year. family dance was amazing.
life is amazing.
it makes me nervous.
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[16 Dec 2007|10:05pm] |
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it is truly amazing how life is forever changing.
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[09 Dec 2007|04:54pm] |
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apparently, i have issues with abandonment.
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[01 Dec 2007|01:21pm] |
We don't talk anymore, and I miss you.
I finally understand the possibility. After I screw things up, I understand. Figures. It's not insulting. It's just we're young. It doesn't mean you don't love the person. It just means we're young. How do you know if you're meant to be with that person if you don't let them go and experince life? If it's meant to be, it will be. I get that.
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| she loves you. yeah, yeah, yeah. |
[30 Nov 2007|07:36pm] |
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i love that part of all you need is love. that song will be played at my wedding.
i've been okay. like really okay. the world hasn't ended. i have people that love me. i'm content being alone. i'm not defeated. life's been good. i made two really cute bowls in ceramics. i'm quite proud. work has been going well. i've heard some crazy stories there, haha. i've been missing some classes because i just can't sleep. so i take naps. today was pretty interesting. we spent all of calculus looking at a dead bird that hit our window get eaten by a hawk. it was disgusting, but at least we didn't have to do work. my ceramics teacher wasn't there, so sarah, kelsey and i left. kelsey, mollie, and i went to see awake. it was interesting. hayden christensen was hotter than ever. i went to mod. then, i went to lights of love. it was really cute. we help set up some stuff. we all just hung out. it was great. milton was trying to get us to hang out, and we were like nah. fank kept talking baout his bubble gum package. emma, faith, mollie, phillip, sarah, sam, shelby, trisha, alex, and others were there. it was great just being with people. haha.
me: so have you broken up with ellen?
alex: i'm waiting for you. are you ready?
me: yeah, i've been ready.
emma: it was so sweet. alex gave me a napkin for my icecream.
me: stop flirting with my man.
alex: i'm giving you a series of tests to see if your ready. you're willing to fight for me. you passed the first one.
it was precious. i'm going to miss ridiculous conversations like that, and i'm going to miss milton trying to get me to go to his house. i'm going to miss faith flowing and calming shelby down. i love my class!
i'm getting in the holiday spirit. i know chrsitmas is nothing like it used to be. it sucks that we don't go to cindy's anymore and it sucks my dad isn't around and when he was around he really wasn't there, but i mean there's nothing i can do about except make the best of the times i have now. life is way too short.
mr. weiss tapped me on the shoulder. it was a full on tap and for no reason. hmm...
it's been one week. damn.
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| i flip the coin to see if you still care tonight |
[27 Nov 2007|04:10pm] |
okay, last update was lame.
i don't need to convince myself. everything is going to be fine.
i have some amazing people in my life that i wouldn't trade for the world.
austin and i made peace today. austin garrison and i got over our little fight.
i have brady to style my hair, haha. i have ben to call and make sure i haven't died on the way home. i have milton to copy my homework. it's good company.
i have my amazing gilfriends. without them, i have no idea where i would be. they push me and take care of me. i'd give them the world if i could.
i have an amazing family. i see my uncle a lot more now. it's still running into eachother, but i think he does it on purpose. thanksgiving with him was great. my mother is becoming a friend as well as a mother again. finally. i heard from dad today. he's doing well. he still seems lonely, but i'll be there for him. mitch's infection tripled over the night a few nights ago. he had surgery two days ago. they had to move his spine and cut through some stuff to get to the infection. stuff like that makes you realize how much you appreciate someone. casey and i are talking again. i'm proud he's doing homeschooling.
today was really cool. i never talk to trey anymore. we always look past eachother. he was never one of the guys i was closest to, but i've been like man, i wish he would at least say hi, and today he said "what's up, melissa?" haha. i do have people that care. i know he still cares, too. things may not be the way i want them to be, but we're going to fine.
oh, and i ate something.
go me.
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[27 Nov 2007|03:26pm] |
i haven't eaten in 18 1/2 hours. i guess something may be wrong. i haven't really noticed. not until sarah told me last night she was worried. i guess it's all starting. i can't sleep. i've gotten a total of 4 hours sleep each night. it's funny because everything is fine. well, everything isn't fine at all, but i'm fine with handling it and dealing with it. i have my moments which are getting briefer everyday. i'm fine.
my mother got a christmas tree. i still don't know how i feel about christmas. i'm still incredibily ambivalent towards the season.
i'm going to family dance with stephen. that should be cool.
i'm really worried about my attitude lately. i'm scared i'm just going to tell everyone how i really feel about them. i'll save that for graduation. we took our senior picture today. i was like wow, we really are about to graduate and leave. i only have a month left with alex and milton and the other guys. it was all starting to set in. then, a football player got into a fight with a mentally challenged kid at the top of the bleachers. then, i was like yeah, fuck this place.
i need to write my essays and finish my massive amounts of homework.
it's awful, but i miss the way he would plop his hand down in between our seats when he wanted to hold my hand.
really, i'm fine.
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[25 Nov 2007|12:31am] |
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a part of me actually thought he would show up. i wish life was like the movies.
it's amazing how much i have learned about myself this week. i learned who my true friends are. i learned about some faults i can control and need to take care of. i learned what i will put up with. i learned what i shouldn't be willing to put up. i learned that there are certain things and people i should care about, and there are others i don't need to. i learned people will constantly suprise you whether it's for the better or for the worse. i can only take what i've learned and do something with that. i can't dwell on the past (something else i've learned). i can't spend my time worrying about things i can't control. i'm not promising i'll be able to stop, but i'm promising myself i'm going to try.
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[08 Nov 2007|08:44pm] |
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so i pretty much figure that i've lost any chance that i had with my constant mood swings, nagging, and feelings of impending doom which i have to express every two damn seconds.
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[07 Nov 2007|07:42pm] |
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i feel empty.
i don't know if i even have the strength to care anymore.
mr. wies really does disappoint me. if that's what an artist views as beautiful, what the hell does that mean for the rest of us? i'm in love with okkervil river. absolutely in love.
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[06 Nov 2007|05:16pm] |
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"melissa, i have never seen someone look so good picking up trash as you do right now."
haha, that girl brightened up my day.
this random number had been calling me the past two day, and i kept missing it, even by seconds. i heard a faint sound of my phone underneath "a king and a queen." it was my dad. i felt so awful. it costs $3.50 for every phonecall, and he had called me at least 4 times. i'm so happy i got to hear from him. i want to make him proud.
yesterday was casey's 16th birthday. i think he had a good day. my mom is trying to get him home schooled.
there was a time where i was content being alone. i'm going to get back to that place. it gets easier everyday. i was just so happy those months. so happy. i had some great times and some great laughs. it's hard, but i'm strong.
i'm fine.
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[04 Nov 2007|04:43pm] |
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i honestly don't know how to explain how i feel. i really don't. i just hate losing people. i hate it.
i don't understand how you can care about someone so much, and just let it all go. i just don't get how people do that. i don't get how it's okay.
i'm so stupid. i should be used to it. after everything, i haven't put up this wall. i wish i would have. instead, i give it my all and set myself up for failure. i can't tell if caring is my biggest blessing or my biggest curse.
i just want to be myself again. i want my confidence back. i want to be okay.
i want to see my nanna and pop-pop again.
i don't know if i can do this all over again.
i don't have that wall, but i guess i am pretty good at pushing people away.
i just need to get away. i need to stop thinking.
austin was a lot of fun. i'll write more about it later.
i'm going to be okay.
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| but there is just one map you'll need. |
[31 Oct 2007|10:05pm] |
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i miss my dad so fucking much.
he sent us a letter. he got the 25 dollars we sent him. it made him really happy. his lawyer is trying to get him 2 years in prison, but i think he'll be up for parole since he's spent a year on thursday in county. it's insane thinking that since 2004 my dad has spent a total of 21 months in jail. i hope he gets out before my graduation. i want him to be there so bad.
i really do have an amazing family. we have problems, but i love them all.
i'm so worried about casey. he wants to drop out. i tried talking to him. he doesn't want to listen. i hope he makes the right decision.
i have amazing frineds as well. i love all of the austins, haha. green, garrison, and kirwin. all i need, haha. i seriously don't know what i would do without my girls. i absolutely adore them. they are my love affair, haha. i seriously have the greatest time with them. i can be myself and that's okay. we can joke around and dance and sing songs and share secrets and stories and quote songs and movies and totally understand what we're saying. i mean we are bonded by bracelets. we can also eat brownies and laugh at eachother. "okay, so a) we can watch the ring or b) we can get high and watch moulin rouge. was that a dream? you really can't see yourself in the mirror? but i can see melissa. i'm gangster, bitch. we can't walk around or we'll break some mean fucking shit." hahaha, i absolutely love her. they keep me going. that basically sums up what i just said.
i'm going to austin this weekend. i'm really excited. i'm in the newspaper which is really cool.
i'm stil missing him. everything will be okay though.
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[21 Oct 2007|09:45am] |
i'm really okay. on most days i am. i still can't help but think about what i did wrong or what he's doing or how he's feeling. it's hard not being able to not care. i can't be that person. i don't want to be that person. i seriously love austin and greg. they made me feel a lot better about stuff. i can't wait to see them in austin. i still miss him, but if we're meant to be, we'll be, right? what more can i do?
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